


CPR

by Hobi2Hobi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Long-Term Relationship(s), M/M, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:02:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23186707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobi2Hobi/pseuds/Hobi2Hobi
Summary: You're the only one who knows.
Relationships: Moon Taeil/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 9
Kudos: 41





	CPR

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to CPR by Summer Walker and this story idea was immediately sparked. In some way I could feel the emotions from the song and it really hit home for some reason. It's kind of a mess...

_**"Caught me at the right time, baby..."** _

Sometimes Taeil recalls the event as if it happened a mere moment ago, and it gets like that sometimes when he's left alone to wallow in his self-induced depressing thoughts. When you're asleep you really have no choice but he has one now. He hates it, and not just the thoughts but the prominence of feeling alone. 

He has always felt alone or left out and even odd, ever since he could grasp reading the atmosphere and understand basic common sense. It wasn't hard to put two and two together when people kept their distance away from a hidden, yet, expressive soul as himself.

Taeil is different and when someone wasn't trying to avoid him, then they would at least be using him. There was absolutely no in between and he learnt that at an early age, long before he decided to be non-existent to the void people had placed him in.

At the age of 21, Taeil made the decision to disappear.

It wasn't a hard decision in the least. Rather, it was too easy to conclude. Having drowned away his despair with a bottle of alcohol after being throw to the side again like the dirty rag doll he was born to be, his first option had been his last one. Just dissipate into the earth from whence you're rightfully from, he remembers thinking.

That's all he has ever been and it seemed that was all he would ever be as long as he was living. There was no one he could turn to, down in the slump as he was, because those persons had long abandon him to suffer. 

Maybe he deserved it. 

For liking flowers instead of a soccer ball. 

For preferring to dress like Cinderella instead of Prince Charming.

For choosing the femininity of the fragrance he wore over the one's of masculinity.

For liking someone of the same sex instead of the opposite he saw himself as.

For being birth into a body he didn't ask for.

He had enough of everything visible and non-visible to the naked eyes. From having to prove himself to be equal to others even if he wore bright colored nail polish to match his outfit, or well done, warm makeup to go with the season. From having to be recovering from being used to making a mockery or example of being different. From his love being taken for granted and spat upon like it was nothing. From the thought of him being disowned by his own mother.

He wanted nothing to do with the life he was destined to have before he was even conceived. Wearing pretty dresses with heels, growing his hair out so he could do cute styles, throwing on his usual oversized sweater with his shorts, it wasn't worth breathing anymore.

He was going to end it all in one night and no one would care. Maybe one day his name would roll off of a person who knew him, tongue, speaking of when he was around, and they'll laugh and probably call him stupid but it wouldn't matter. He won't be here anyway.

He won't be able to hear the distasteful sounds of persons planning his demise, nor will he be in the disposal of someone he would have given his heart to in the palm of their hands. He won't be able to be himself anymore but that was better than being used.

He was at the bridge that night, the cliche way persons would take there life in the country he resides in. And it was funny that this was the way he decided to get it over with. He wasn't common in the least yet here he was, not going out with a bang. 

He had laughed, cladded in his floral dress and his favourite sandals that had enough heel to add to his pathetic height, his hair resting on his shoulders and bang just above his perfectly arched brows. He dolled all up for this. His makeup was also done, eyelashes curled and lips glossy and plump. At least he's pretty tonight.

He looked down at the vast abundance of water that was just beneath the bridge he stood on, waiting to swallow him whole and to pull him to depths he had never prayed to see till now. This wasn't planned, the destination at least, though it cruised through his mind when he would pass by it on one of his down days in a cab. Down days are days that knew him very well. That day was pre notioned but was never set.

The bottle that was in his hand fell into the water as he watched it fade the further it fell. He didn't even see when or how it made contact with the water body. It didn't matter. It just showed Taeil that no one will be able to see him the moment he committed to the act. 

He climbed on the railing, the cool metal bar making contact with his palm as he gripped it. He could already taste it. The bitterness of not being wanted, of not being accepted, of being violated unjustly, all sauced up with his tears of hopelessness, wrapped in a cold burrito for Taeil to take a bite.

A tear slipped down the face of a person who didn't deserve what he went through. Broken. Hurt. Unwanted. Abnormal. _Different._

He leaned forward, null to the voice in his head that told him to fight, to not give up. But what would he be fighting for? To suffer? It didn't seem like a plausible reason to pass up on the freedom he has always wanted. Freedom from the weight of the world fighting against him. It was plain stupid and unreasonable his brain even conjured him to walk away and have faith. Faith was no longer something he believed in. That thought was just as fading as the bottle he released from his numbed hands.

_**I was at the edge.** _

When Taeil leaned further, a wind push away from evanesce, he had a premonition. His eyes were blurred when he saw him, like a ray of hope; which was stupid. He couldn't exactly recall when he last had any form of hope graced his way, so to see it in human form, of all things, was unreal.

So, his premonition was that, whatever was coming his way must be the gatekeeper to hell, the place he was said to be going by people who he knew or passersby; even his mother. 

The person running towards him was no hope. Not even in the least.

The person that spoke to him in his half dead state could have never been hope.

Hope? That couldn't possibly be it. Pleading to him, practically begging him to stop and take a look at the stars that highlighted the dark sky alongside the moon. To lean away from death and take his hand towards life. That successfully pulled a shattered beyond repair, child in an adult's body, Taeil away from what he thought was the only possible option from a recurring destruction.

He was no hope, the person that pulled him into a hug like he knew Taeil, treating him no different than glass. Fragile. Human.

It was the first anyone had held him the way this stranger did, like he was no less than him. Dressed as this was, Taeil had very low expectations. He treated him humane, whispering sweet words on his deafened ears, skin sensitive to the warmth of the man enveloping him in his embrace. His skin could almost hear everything his ear couldn't and he felt that in just one encounter. Just one hug.

It felt like **_CPR._**

Like he had hauled him out of the bottom of the sea of treachery, pressing against his chest to push the despair out, and breathe reform and life into his lungs. It felt like that first breath you take when you are no longer drowning, being weighed down as if you were left with no other choice but to accept your _faith_.

That's why the man that night just could not be hope. He had to be an angel in its true form because Taeil had never seen anyone like him.

Johnny breathed life into him just as how someone would to a person submerged into the unfairness that life breed, even if it was printed clearly on Taeil's resolute body 'do-not-resuscitate'.

Even now that he thinks about it, everyday he is blessed to just gaze at Johnny, it is refreshing. Or in times when he is alone, thinking back to the past, suffocating, Johnny would give him a breath of fresh air with just a kiss, reminding him he is no longer where he was.

~+~

_**...Made me feel like there is life worth living.** _

The bed hugs his figure as a koala would to a tree branch, enhancing the curves on his body, the curves Johnny likes to see everyday the sun presents itself. Taeil is sleeping, like any sane person would at the current time. He twists in the comforter, Johnny's hoodie that he is wearing hikes up the smooth surface of his belly and exposing the tiny moles like stars creating a pattern against his milky skin.

Taeil is beautiful, and Johnny tells him everyday, that with how the younger looks before him, like a portrait that deserves to be displayed in a exhibition for himself, he can't help but to praise.

Before he leans down and place a kiss on the delicate lips that were slightly open, Johnny took his camera off of the dresser to capture the moment. Taeil could feel him move, breaking him out of a slumber he wishes to last a couple more hours.

Taeil peaks an eye open, watching with a unfocused eye as Johnny sat up and fold his legs. The shorter sighs, a smile creeping up his lips when the first flash goes off. To be completely honest, he is used to this, being Johnny's muse to his art of photography. Being woken up because of inspiring his boyfriend is something he is yet to withstand, though.

"Johnny.." Taeil whines.

"I'm sorry, baby." He says, not really sounding sorry. "But if you saw how marvelous you look under the first light, you'd beg me to capture it. You make everything so beautiful." Johnny says it so breathy, like he was seriously mesmerized by someone like himself.

The stud proudly presenting itself in the skin of Taeil's naval shines as the light bounces off of it, the shorter stretching himself from the stiff muscles that sleeping with Johnny brought. After a while, he opens his eyes fully, being blessed by the smile that decorated Johnny's lips the moment he sees Taeil looking at him properly. Seeing Johnny smile is such a simple gesture, but to Taeil, if that smile dims, it would be no better than the world going dim from the sun disappearing.

Taeil looks up to the camera, not being very photogenic, he held a neutral face. He never really knows what to do when the camera is on him, opting to just following instructions or being moved by the photographer himself, which Johnny seem to be doing now. He slowly got off the bed, Taeil's ankle in his hand gently as he did so. Taeil follows him, turning the opposite angle he was in before. Johnny brushed the pad of his thumb against Taeil's toes, leaning forward and kissing them. Taeil giggles and Johnny captures him just as he did, not missing a second.

Taeil bit his bottom lip, rising his arms to play in his long flowing hair that escaped from his bun when Johnny pulled him close to the edge of the bed, still capturing the pictures. Johnny even took pictures of his exposed thighs, given that he only sleeps in shorts. The tattoo he has on the side of his thigh that ran up to his hip, peeking out into the shot.

"I had a nightmare, again, while you were out on work."

Pulling his camera away, Johnny gives his full attention to Taeil, hand still holding the shorter's foot. "I'm fine now, though."

"Do you want to tell me?" Johnny asks, concern lacing his voice.

"Babe, it's okay. I just didn't want to _not_ tell you. You just disappeared from me and I got.. scared admittedly, but I know you won't leave. I just.. I just wanted to tell you. I believe in you." Taeil softly responds, sitting up on the bed and replacing his leg with his face to Johnny's palm.

"I'll never leave you, princess." Johnny reassures, frowning at the implication of Taeil's dream. He brushes his thumb against Taeil's flush cheek, the younger's eyes closing at the touch. "Thanks for telling me." Johnny praises, knowing Taeil likes that.

If Taeil could purr right now he would. He rubbed his head against Johnny's hand, his own hands coming up to cup the bigger one. The affection felt nice, outworldly amazing and Taeil likes it, loves all of this.

Sometimes Taeil wonder where he would be right now if Johnny didn't show up when he did.

Taeil had never really had a home. He would never classify where he reside when he was younger home. Home is how he felt being with Johnny. It's not supposed to be a temporary inanimate object that shelters you from the seasons changing. It's supposed to feel like how he felt every morning he arises from what he considers a dream.

Home is waking up happy, not dreading what will happen once your eyes open from a beautiful dream you wish was true. Home is feeling loved and appreciated, wanted and shielded from the harshness of some opinions that are meant to disheartened you. Home is Johnny, in simpler terms.

Johnny made him love again, understand what it meant to have a home, what it felt like to truly be loved, to be someone worthy of it. He was himself, as bold as how he has wanted to be. He could proudly express himself, and Johnny will be the only one that truly understands how he really feels.

He doesn't feel the need to lie because Johnny has seen him in his most vulnerable state, one he would have never allowed anyone to see. He feels clean and uncut, presented before Johnny, showing his raw emotions. A day like this was never seen with the fog of misfortunes in Taeil's vision. The tall male mended his heart, changing the dimmed light in Taeil's heart, repairing it so it could beat again and only for him.

Johnny saved his life, but not only did he save his life, he gave him life. He gave him meaning again.

He cares for what he wears but in the best way possible, ensuring he is comfortable and feels as beautiful as he looks. Appreciates all the love Taeil has to give. Protecting him from what Taeil had been fighting a lone battle against since the day he was abandoned. Patient with Taeil's trust having been deteriorated. Johnny was everything Taeil asked for in one man.

An angel.

"I love you." Taeil mutters, eyes slowly opening to look up at Johnny.

Leaning down and pressing against delicate lips with his own, Johnny says, "I've loved you since the day I laid eyes on, baby."

Cardiopulmonary resuscitation. He'll never forget that breath of new air, coughing out all the contamination and impurities that build up over the years, choking him. 'I love you.' When Taeil says it, he knows how deep it runs and without him telling Johnny, he understood that the younger's heart is bared for him to do anything he wants with it.

_**...You're the only one who knows.** _

The only one who truly understands him.

Yea. Whatever he did when Taeil was on his last legs, felt exactly like _CPR_.


End file.
